here's the deal...

... i don't like pompous people.

i thought it was just me having a bad time (exam week), but no, it's really my arrogant seatmate that was bugging me. first of all, he wasn't my seatmate. but for the second time, he obligingly took the chair next to mine (to the surprise of my original seatmate). i was kinda getting prepared, not because of the upcoming test, but because of his not-so-subtle ways of getting near me. the day before, the farthest he had gone was picking up 'imaginary' dog hairs from my back (my prof has a dog that he brings to class).

here we go. he mentions that he hopes the prof doesn't arrive; he'd be so happy that he'd kiss someone. he says that twice. my only reaction was just to ignore him. exam papers come. to anyone who knows me, i make a lot of goofy noises while taking tests, just to somehow let go of surpressed reactions (like, a small, high-pitched "huh?" to convey surprise). this idiot takes it as a cue that i need help with an answer, and proceeds to whisper the answer. arrg. he does so again for the next 2 times.

ok, so i might not have painted him as the pompous person that i said i hate. but he is. he thinks he's a goodlooking guy (in a way, admittedly), but he's too damn cocky. the way that he answers questions only infuriates me; he is really really obnoxious! arg! imagine someone with know-it-all attitude, to the 10th power!

needless to say, i was spent after that class.

gack. can't even write coherently! just. too. damn. pissed!

ego-trippin

school. my last class is about to end, and my cute classmate leans over to say, "have a nice weekend, (my name)". (you too! hihi!). go over to the next building, hoping to kill time before i catch my bus. suddenly notice the guy from the bus walking beside me (read 2nd, or 3rd, previous blog entry). woah, hi there! (gotta remind myself he's younger, but dang, is he cute or what)

mall. on my way to bank. was dressed in my nice blue slimmin' jeans, thin poncho top over black tank, and black heels; hair was neatly pulled up neatly in a ponytail. meet up by chance with my seatmate from another class, who was dressed quite impeccably in his dark suit. he moves to my side (almost puts his hand on my shoulder but i deftly sidestep away). makes small talk, i'm trying not to make much out of it. as he leaves, he says 'see ya, pretty girl'. i shake my head; there must be something going on this day.

still the mall. arrived at bank to open the account. with big ego boost from encounters above, and reminding myself never underestimate the power of porma (ahem) and good english, i go look for a guy to help me out. score! got hooked up with one, and a financial manager at that. turn on the charm and confidence (hah!). i get myself a spankin bank account. note that this was a big turnaround after having been turned down the day before at another branch. hmp. must be because i was talking to a woman then.

more cynicism... and some wishes

is it just me, or is the united states bent on making countries more, well, dysfunctional? its ultimately coming down to, this third world country needs our help, so lets do our very best to screw them..

the iraq war is one thing; the latest on philippine news is another. some weeks before, some US people stepped in and verified the controversial election-Arroyo tapes as genuine (hello, chaos). now, they've gone and arrested 2 people for espionage. no doubt this is related to arroyo's path of revenge towards people who tried to take part in her downfall.

of course, i may be too narrow-minded by generalizing this situation, pinpointing the US as a whole when it is only its few citizens that have taken part. i also may be too overcritical for these US people who are just merely doing their jobs (ie the one who verifies the tapes' authenticity, the one that has to arrest suspected criminals). but for the most part, somehow, i just want US to back off. put their hands up in the air and say, i will have none of this. this is your problem, solve it.

and why is it that the little folks that bear much of the trouble? i'm not only referring to the small fish who end up getting to be the scapegoats for the bigger fishes (read:Lacson); there are also the middle working class who are really the ones working their ass off to pay for the country's taxes!

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i never thought i'd see a more silent, but impactful scene than that of the Two Widows (cory aquino and susan roces). watching them both together, in their grief not only for lost husbands but for the sad state of the country, held together only by the comfort of each other's prescence -- it was like, a despairing sight.

i wish the country could be evoked to move under this image, perhaps similar to the late president ramon magsaysay (then a senator) holding the limp body of moises padilla (to my shame, i didn't know anything about til i looked it up). forget the argument that they may be 'scripted' photos. what matters is the despair, and the need to rise above our pathetic condition. of course, one need not look further for a more powerful image than the cross itself, wherein there is Christ's face, filled with suffering yet with love.

politicians, you ugly popmpous baffoons! mahiya na nga kayo sa sarili nyo!!!

cynicism rears its ugly head

i'm suddenly lacking the initiative to write on this blog o'mine, or making emails for that matter. for instance, some of my friends would out of the blue send me a message like, how are you, and here i would reply back to them, 3-paragraphs-long even, on what's been happening with my life, et al. what do i get in return? nothing. NOTHING. gaah, people! why bother asking when you have no intention of keeping up with correspondences? my family is no exemption either, but thankfully, we are making up for it with my reinstalled yahoo messenger.

have i gone bad? not really. but, nagtatampo po ako. sobra.

thereby leading me to speculate on the aspect of relationships. humans are more accostomed to camaraderie and fellowship in the fleshy aspect, the see-hear-touch kind that is only possible with face-to-face interactions. you are able to give more of yourself, in the same manner that people you interact with are also able to respond in kind. in contrast, the written words from emails or even chats are considered dull, lifeless, considered as nowhere effective when compared to animated hand gestures, captivating tones of voice, or the ever-changing facial expressions.

cue sad instrumental music. (gah, drama!)

perhaps to compensate for the lack of bonding that i've been getting from the pinas people, i am hooking up quite well with the ones here in my school. am i attempting to amass my own crowd here? not quite. nothing will replace the pinas folks. but i'm just feeling lonely, to a degree that i am just relieved to have someone talk to me. and so i say hello to everyone i meet, strike up conversations (good topics include from weather, rising gas prices) then try to get their names if i meet them more than occasionally. there, new acquaintance! i now have gained the right to wave to them whenever our paths would meet. of course, cynical ol' me is convinced that half the people i greet don't even remember my name. gah.

i've also made one spot my tambayan (read:hang out) of sorts -- the learning center, where i'm supposed to be working at as a tutor (who knows when those paperwork will push thru, or IF they ever would). the people there are used to me already, letting me stay there even though i don't do anything but bother them (gah, i'm really painting myself as kawawa, no?). they ask me when i would start working so as i can out-talk them (i laughed, and said that was not a good compliment nor reason for me to work there). but it's a good feeling, knowing someone is happy with my company.

it is a confirmation of my theory, the effectivity of face-to-face relationships. long-distance ones just won't do. i sure wish the pinas folks would step up a bit. sigh.

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i seem to be getting more and more african friends. gosh, wouldn't you know it, these people have beautiful english! their pronunciations are well-said, the words are deep compared to normal conversational english ones. i would like to comment and say, wow, you have nice english (hah! the usual lines uttered to yours truly by some ignorant people). but there, i said it, ignorant. i don't want to appear as one. an african girl once told me that she couldn't understand why media portrays her country as always deprived, poor, primitive, naked (!!). the positive ones are never highlighted.

this may be the reason why americans are baffled at foreigners speaking their language well. this is not to mock them, but they are made unaware of how we aliens have been taught extensively and thoroughly on english.

in turn, the oart where the positive ones are never mentioned reflects how some people look at pinas situation. on hindsight however, politics would always make it looking hopeless, now does it?

cynicism!!! gah, gah, GAH!

forever the worrier

i'd thought i'd have fun writing english. i mean, don't you expect it from someone who's writing a blog? but here i am typing on an essay. and i am just freaking mad at it.

of course, this situation i find myself in is much better. i had been clueless on what to write, despite being a given a topic. wait, not really that clueless; as a matter of fact, i had lot of comments and ideas. but what complicated it was worry. worry about grammar. worry about paragraph structure, supporting sentences and such. worry about grades! i mean, you don't have to worry about those when writing a blog, right? for all i care, i would just speedily typed away the thoughts at the top of my head, blissfully happy that there are no english majors reading it for errors and such. i could get away with redundancy (see above? lots of 'worry's there!), with phrases such as "who would've thunk it?", or my now-becoming-favorite GAH expressions.

but back to worrisomeness (is there such a word? gaaaah!). i've been told by my parents to curb it; my tendency to make mountains out of molehills (or even no molehills at all) is what gives me paranoia. forever the worrier i am, the pessimist. instead of 'counting the chickens before they hatch' mentality, i gravitate more towards the one with 'counting the possible ways that the chicken eggs will be smashed before they hatch'.

the good Lord told us to focus on the present, for He will take care of tomorrow. doesn't He take care of the birds and the beasts of the earth? what more for the humans whom He loves so much?

sigh. i need to keep the faith.