i have to write this...

... if only to remind myself why i decided so.

i must let go.
lately, i've been wrestling with the idea of putting up another blog (what?!), this time in myspace. i myself wonder what put me up to it, since i have a hard enough time managing 3. but i persisted on the idea, even coming up with a theme to incorporate japanese words (and their equivalent english translation) as the focal point of each entry. the question persists, though. why blog in myspace? because i was hoping for the possibility that someone would see it. someone i liked. then i gave up pretense and went to that person's myspace profile. having done that, i saw how so disimilar we were. and there it was, the resolution, the finality of it all. the realization was not of hopelessbess, but futility. why bother, i asked myself. and so the blog must go (and be placed here). and with the blog proposal gone, so must i let go of him.

i must forget.
it basically follows the decision above. let go, then forget. i've done it before, i shall do so again. it just irritates me that it is yet another repeat, and i wonder when i have to stop. IF i have to stop.

sigh.

honestly, i'm tired. i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i don't know why life keeps throwing me in the same position. despite it's continuous change, life still carries with it the notion that it's also sirang plaka, paulit-ulit. shit. i try to comfort myself with my brother's words -- but with all these, individually … growth-wise … it has given us a lot. Not because of how dad “foresaw” what this will do to us, but because of the adjustments we had to go through by ourselves – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

i'm sad. i know i'll get over this someday, but right now, i'm just sad.