trying to moving forward

so the deal with my friend's sister's house negotiations fell through.

i was really hoping that would turn out, but it didn't. it's beginning to look like convenience is not an option for me right now, and fate is URGING me to take the necessary steps to move out of my comfort zone in finding a new place to stay (side note: "HAVEN'T I BEEN OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE ALREADY? HOW FAR DO I HAVE TO MOVE?!?". i understand i'm WHINING... but please let me gripe!)

aside from the comfort zone, i'm trying to remind myself on what pastor jo said -- that it's imperative you let go of your old life to embrace the new life which God has in store for you. i also know that at this point, i am now in the driver's seat. i have free rein to make the decision on where to go, and i now have nobody to blame after i make that decision. it's about JUST MYSELF (and God).

but i don't know if i'm strong enough. please, God, help me. i know other people have more pressing problems than mine, but this is MY struggle, and it's pressing to ME. i'm not used to being vulnerable and being left out in the open.

keeping the faith

hmm... i've been reading my past entries just this few minutes -- marathon reading, if you will -- and found myself a little wary when it came to the part of boys. while some posts were written with the happy giddy feeling of a lovestruck girl, ultimately, they ALL led to nothing.

shall i hold onto those moments as for what they were -- momentary states of bliss -- or reject them for the wasted time that they seem now? i remember telling myself to live each day a moment at a time, but there's also a part of me that yearns for something permanent.

i'm contemplating on being boys-thoughts-free (a mental celibacy?), but that seems to be very unreal goal or somewhat impossible. i can TRY, i guess.

but i'll keep the faith -- writing this blog, staying true to myself, staying on this path, and ultimately, find out what life has in store for me and how i'm going to grow. are you going to come along for the ride?

wow. it's been almost year since i last visited this page. i must admit, i missed it. going through some of my latest (er, oldest..?) posts, i was a little amused at how articulate i was. i'm not heaping praises on myself, don't get me wrong; but i just had a rather nostalgic feeling... how one year had passed so quickly, and i wonder what had become of me, the writer?

let's see. i'm now in a nursing clinical program, which requires me to be more direct and simplistic. and it pressures me to be more vocal, which i'm adjusting to since i'm much more comfortable at the written words. there's so much more, as anne of green gables would say, scope for imagination.

i will say i love english words. i was born in the philippines, but english has had more influence than my native language at capturing the fanciful and the creative needs of my head. of course, i've read more books in english, but that's not the point. i like using the english language. *of course, nothing beats conversing in tagalog, esp in gossip mode :P*

at hindsight, i do wonder what led me to leave this blog in the first place. i have my suspicions, but i won't write it out. anyway, my concern now is that i am going back to writing in this blog because... it feeds my soul, for lack of a better phrase. i needed an outlet, even if no one would read these posts. i do have another blog, but THAT one is a little superficial, meant to report some of my daily activities and musings. THIS, i intend to be for deeper writings. the anonymity helps, because nobody would have a face to register to these writings. i can write what i want. and while i hope there would be feedback, as of now, i'm contented.

i suspect i will write more again, but don't hold me to my word. but, CH is once more here :)

end of the semester blues

i realized just now that i always seem to have them. last summer, with chemistry... last fall, and this recent spring as well..

they have more to do with people actually. somehow, my overactive mind always nag me that i've annoyed some, and thereby pushing them away from me in the process.

i say overactive because... it does this pity feeling everytime already. i should be used to it by now. and, sad to admit, it's also my way of consoling myself.

gah. i want to make this as short as possible. on the plus part, my creative juices have been acting up really good this time of the year, and all i've been doing is designing, designing, designing! aaaah, it feels good....

i have to write this...

... if only to remind myself why i decided so.

i must let go.
lately, i've been wrestling with the idea of putting up another blog (what?!), this time in myspace. i myself wonder what put me up to it, since i have a hard enough time managing 3. but i persisted on the idea, even coming up with a theme to incorporate japanese words (and their equivalent english translation) as the focal point of each entry. the question persists, though. why blog in myspace? because i was hoping for the possibility that someone would see it. someone i liked. then i gave up pretense and went to that person's myspace profile. having done that, i saw how so disimilar we were. and there it was, the resolution, the finality of it all. the realization was not of hopelessbess, but futility. why bother, i asked myself. and so the blog must go (and be placed here). and with the blog proposal gone, so must i let go of him.

i must forget.
it basically follows the decision above. let go, then forget. i've done it before, i shall do so again. it just irritates me that it is yet another repeat, and i wonder when i have to stop. IF i have to stop.

sigh.

honestly, i'm tired. i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i don't know why life keeps throwing me in the same position. despite it's continuous change, life still carries with it the notion that it's also sirang plaka, paulit-ulit. shit. i try to comfort myself with my brother's words -- but with all these, individually … growth-wise … it has given us a lot. Not because of how dad “foresaw” what this will do to us, but because of the adjustments we had to go through by ourselves – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

i'm sad. i know i'll get over this someday, but right now, i'm just sad.

the dream ends...

he showed up in my workplace unexpectedly. i don't need my glasses to know it was him -- that casual laidback walk of his, that familiar jingle of his keys, that messy mane of hair. why did he come, i ask myself. i've done my best not to talk to him at all during the week. why? i dunno. i'm weak, i suppose. i didn't want to disturb him, less he thinks ill of me. i was just content to see him if i did. but nothing more. but what happened next didn't prepare me.

he goes up to my friend, whom i was waving goodbye to. he takes her aside to talk to her.
"this may be the last time you see me"
"i'll tell you what college i'm going to"
"i'm going to alaska for vacation"

i don't look up but i was listening. was it just me, or was he saying those words to me as well? i must be paranoid. or desperate. or just me being curious that i overheard everything. but oh, my heart was just dying to say or do something... anything...

nothing. such a weak pathetic fool i am. to love.

all i could muster was a poor reenactment of fishing when i heard he was going to alaska. and a feeble "you're going for clinicals, right?". he nods. i wave goodbye. he waves back. he goes away.

and with that, my heart just tore a little.

sob.

sigh.

a guy just brushed a lock of hair away from my face.

the move was friendly, but i got momentarily off-guard.
la lang.