end of the semester blues

i realized just now that i always seem to have them. last summer, with chemistry... last fall, and this recent spring as well..

they have more to do with people actually. somehow, my overactive mind always nag me that i've annoyed some, and thereby pushing them away from me in the process.

i say overactive because... it does this pity feeling everytime already. i should be used to it by now. and, sad to admit, it's also my way of consoling myself.

gah. i want to make this as short as possible. on the plus part, my creative juices have been acting up really good this time of the year, and all i've been doing is designing, designing, designing! aaaah, it feels good....

i have to write this...

... if only to remind myself why i decided so.

i must let go.
lately, i've been wrestling with the idea of putting up another blog (what?!), this time in myspace. i myself wonder what put me up to it, since i have a hard enough time managing 3. but i persisted on the idea, even coming up with a theme to incorporate japanese words (and their equivalent english translation) as the focal point of each entry. the question persists, though. why blog in myspace? because i was hoping for the possibility that someone would see it. someone i liked. then i gave up pretense and went to that person's myspace profile. having done that, i saw how so disimilar we were. and there it was, the resolution, the finality of it all. the realization was not of hopelessbess, but futility. why bother, i asked myself. and so the blog must go (and be placed here). and with the blog proposal gone, so must i let go of him.

i must forget.
it basically follows the decision above. let go, then forget. i've done it before, i shall do so again. it just irritates me that it is yet another repeat, and i wonder when i have to stop. IF i have to stop.

sigh.

honestly, i'm tired. i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i don't know why life keeps throwing me in the same position. despite it's continuous change, life still carries with it the notion that it's also sirang plaka, paulit-ulit. shit. i try to comfort myself with my brother's words -- but with all these, individually … growth-wise … it has given us a lot. Not because of how dad “foresaw” what this will do to us, but because of the adjustments we had to go through by ourselves – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

i'm sad. i know i'll get over this someday, but right now, i'm just sad.

the dream ends...

he showed up in my workplace unexpectedly. i don't need my glasses to know it was him -- that casual laidback walk of his, that familiar jingle of his keys, that messy mane of hair. why did he come, i ask myself. i've done my best not to talk to him at all during the week. why? i dunno. i'm weak, i suppose. i didn't want to disturb him, less he thinks ill of me. i was just content to see him if i did. but nothing more. but what happened next didn't prepare me.

he goes up to my friend, whom i was waving goodbye to. he takes her aside to talk to her.
"this may be the last time you see me"
"i'll tell you what college i'm going to"
"i'm going to alaska for vacation"

i don't look up but i was listening. was it just me, or was he saying those words to me as well? i must be paranoid. or desperate. or just me being curious that i overheard everything. but oh, my heart was just dying to say or do something... anything...

nothing. such a weak pathetic fool i am. to love.

all i could muster was a poor reenactment of fishing when i heard he was going to alaska. and a feeble "you're going for clinicals, right?". he nods. i wave goodbye. he waves back. he goes away.

and with that, my heart just tore a little.

sob.