cynicism rears its ugly head

i'm suddenly lacking the initiative to write on this blog o'mine, or making emails for that matter. for instance, some of my friends would out of the blue send me a message like, how are you, and here i would reply back to them, 3-paragraphs-long even, on what's been happening with my life, et al. what do i get in return? nothing. NOTHING. gaah, people! why bother asking when you have no intention of keeping up with correspondences? my family is no exemption either, but thankfully, we are making up for it with my reinstalled yahoo messenger.

have i gone bad? not really. but, nagtatampo po ako. sobra.

thereby leading me to speculate on the aspect of relationships. humans are more accostomed to camaraderie and fellowship in the fleshy aspect, the see-hear-touch kind that is only possible with face-to-face interactions. you are able to give more of yourself, in the same manner that people you interact with are also able to respond in kind. in contrast, the written words from emails or even chats are considered dull, lifeless, considered as nowhere effective when compared to animated hand gestures, captivating tones of voice, or the ever-changing facial expressions.

cue sad instrumental music. (gah, drama!)

perhaps to compensate for the lack of bonding that i've been getting from the pinas people, i am hooking up quite well with the ones here in my school. am i attempting to amass my own crowd here? not quite. nothing will replace the pinas folks. but i'm just feeling lonely, to a degree that i am just relieved to have someone talk to me. and so i say hello to everyone i meet, strike up conversations (good topics include from weather, rising gas prices) then try to get their names if i meet them more than occasionally. there, new acquaintance! i now have gained the right to wave to them whenever our paths would meet. of course, cynical ol' me is convinced that half the people i greet don't even remember my name. gah.

i've also made one spot my tambayan (read:hang out) of sorts -- the learning center, where i'm supposed to be working at as a tutor (who knows when those paperwork will push thru, or IF they ever would). the people there are used to me already, letting me stay there even though i don't do anything but bother them (gah, i'm really painting myself as kawawa, no?). they ask me when i would start working so as i can out-talk them (i laughed, and said that was not a good compliment nor reason for me to work there). but it's a good feeling, knowing someone is happy with my company.

it is a confirmation of my theory, the effectivity of face-to-face relationships. long-distance ones just won't do. i sure wish the pinas folks would step up a bit. sigh.

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i seem to be getting more and more african friends. gosh, wouldn't you know it, these people have beautiful english! their pronunciations are well-said, the words are deep compared to normal conversational english ones. i would like to comment and say, wow, you have nice english (hah! the usual lines uttered to yours truly by some ignorant people). but there, i said it, ignorant. i don't want to appear as one. an african girl once told me that she couldn't understand why media portrays her country as always deprived, poor, primitive, naked (!!). the positive ones are never highlighted.

this may be the reason why americans are baffled at foreigners speaking their language well. this is not to mock them, but they are made unaware of how we aliens have been taught extensively and thoroughly on english.

in turn, the oart where the positive ones are never mentioned reflects how some people look at pinas situation. on hindsight however, politics would always make it looking hopeless, now does it?

cynicism!!! gah, gah, GAH!